Letters to Viz magazine - brilliant

* Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing,  the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour. Chris Scaife,  Jesmond
 
* What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old  Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.  
 
* Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P  Boddington, Ringway
 
* Imagine my shock at getting a letter  from my doctor advising me I only had a month to live but thankfully the  letter was not for me but for my son with the same name who lives with us.  Close call, Yours
 
* What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish      they'd get their story straight..
 
* I have just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
 
* WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.
 
* Why is it that pubs won't serve me if I'm drunk, but McDonalds continue serving them fat f***ers? It’s hardly fair.  
 
* Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once.  Genius
 
* the person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.  
 
* They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn’t. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.
 
* If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat  bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that  the city of Glasgow received some recognition for its contribution to  astrophysics?
 
* These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down
 
* We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war    immediately left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France , then North Africa , Italy , France (again) and finally Germany . The shame will always be with us.
 
* Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London . That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe. Werner Hoffman, Munich .
 
* I would just  like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand  on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us  motorists where they lead to.

* Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore.  
 
* So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.  
 
* I heard recently that, on average, Gordon Brown receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is.................  Who’s sending the other one?

Man tries to pay bill with a drawing of a spider =]

Below is the complete email conversation that Adelaide man David Thorne claims he had with a utility company chasing payment of an overdue bill.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David, 
Our records indicate that your account is overdue by the amount of $233.95. If you have already made this payment please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles


From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.37pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane, 
I do not have any money so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead. I value the drawing at $233.95 so trust that this settles the matter.

Regards, David.

 

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.07am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David, 
Thankyou for contacting us. Unfortunately we are unable to accept drawings as payment and your account remains in arrears of $233.95. Please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.32am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane, 
Can I have my drawing of a spider back then please.

Regards, David.


From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.42am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear David, 
You emailed the drawing to me. Do you want me to email it back to you?

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.56am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,

Yes please.

Regards, David.


From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 12.14pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Attached

 

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 09.22am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Whose spider is that?

Dear Jane, Are you sure this drawing of a spider is the one I sent you? This spider only has seven legs and I do not feel I would have made such an elementary mistake when I drew it.

Regards, David.


From: Jane Gilles
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.03am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David, Yes it is the same drawing. I copied and pasted it from the email you sent me on the 8th. David your account is still overdue by the amount of $233.95. Please make this payment as soon as possible.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles


From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.05am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Automated Out of Office Response

Thankyou for contacting me. I am currently away on leave, traveling through time and will be returning last week.

Regards, David.


From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.08am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Hello, I am back and have read through your emails and accept that despite missing a leg, that drawing of a spider may indeed be the one I sent you. I realise with hindsight that it is possible you rejected the drawing of a spider due to this obvious limb ommission but did not point it out in an effort to avoid hurting my feelings. As such, I am sending you a revised drawing with the correct number of legs as full payment for any amount outstanding. I trust this will bring the matter to a conclusion.

Regards, David.

 

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 2.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David, As I have stated, we do not accept drawings in lei of money for accounts outstanding. We accept cheque, bank cheque, money order or cash. Please make a payment this week to avoid incurring any additional fees.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 3.17pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

I understand and will definately make a payment this week if I remember. As you have not accepted my second drawing as payment, please return the drawing to me as soon as possible. It was silly of me to assume I could provide you with something of completely no value whatsoever, waste your time and then attach such a large amount to it.

Regards, David.


From: Jane Gilles
Date: Tuesday 14 Oct 2008 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Attached

 

Pics to make you smile

 

Sign of the times in   Ontario ..

 
 


Sign on the back of the  Honey Wagon

 
 


Political statement on  the back of another Honey Wagon

 
 


Sofa King Advertisement  (Read the last line slowly)

 
 


Sign on the side of an Air Conditioning Service  van.

 
 


[No comment  required]

 
 


Sign in subway  car.

 
 


Sign in Public Waiting  Room.

 
 


Sign outside public  toilets

 
 


Sign by patient  customer.who didn't wait. (Haven't you felt like this at  times?)

 
 


WOW! Better observe this  one!

 
 


Oh!  We don't want to make them sick, do  we?

 
 
 

Ohhh! Come on,  traaaiiinnnn.

 
 


Great translation fom  human to dog lingo!

 
 


[self  explanatory]

 
 


Sign for the  office

 
 


Warning sign for the  office bully.

 
 


Sign for the office  'weiner'

 
 


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

 

 
 

 

   

 

 

 
 


Poor Ainsley

Genuine mistake made in Ireland ... 

This was actually sold in the supermarkets - until they twigged ...

Look at the bottom of pack

  

Daffy Duck

Daffy duck on a dirty weekend calls reception and asks for a condom.  The reception says, "Shall I put them on your bill?"


Daffy replies.....
"Don't be thucking thupid I'd thufficate."