Bran flakes

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

 

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

 

They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

 

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven..'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..

'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

 

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. 'This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or....'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

 

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your 
 bl00dy Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

Surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything
inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers.
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end,
and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong.
Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no
balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the
mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'

Bottle of wine

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. 


After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. 


The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.' 


Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.' 


The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' She hands the bottle to the man. 


The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. 


The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man. 


The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?' 


The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'



MORAL OF THE STORY:


Women are clever, evil bitches. 


Don't mess with them.

Why we should not flirt.

Why we should not flirt. 

A couple was invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.

 

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
 
 
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and  said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
 

The wife, after  sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party.

As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he behaved when she was not with him.  

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice 'chick' and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
 
 
 His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
 
 
 She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
 

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.

 

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume awayand was sitting up reading when he came in,  so she asked what kind of time he had.
 

'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.'
 
 
Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?'

He replied, 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.'
 
 
'You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, 'Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad, apparently he had the time of his life.